Warhammer 40K

Alors, j'en avais parlé a pantoufle, un vieux poste plutot celebre sur warhammer 40K:

"My Lord, I bring news."

Typhus Marburg paused in his study of the situation map of the dreary little planet his forces were engaged in
ravaging. "Yes?"

"Lord. Starships have appeared in the outer system and are on course for a landing. They have been identified as
elements of the Flesh Tearers."

"Yeah? Tell them to sod off and find their own world. Tell 'em we got here first."

"Sire, you misunderstand. They are here to defend this world!"

"What! Why? It's a sorry state of affairs when the followers of Chaos start to defend the weakling Imperium from each
other!"

"Um, Lord... the Flesh Tearers are a loyalist chapter."

"They are? With a name like that! Are you sure they're not one of ours?"

"Positive, My Lord."

"Have you been able to call for any assistance?"

"The Astropaths have contacted other forces nearby. Unfortunately this has also alerted other loyalist forces in the
sector and they are also headed our way."

"Bugger. So who gets here first then?"

"The Alpha Legion, sire."

"It never rains, it only pours, hey?"

"Umm..."

"What!"

"The Alpha Legion is one of ours."

"It is?!"

"Yes."

"I'm confused. You're telling me that a mob called the 'Flesh Tearers' isn't one of ours but a mob called the - what was
it again..."

"The Alpha Legion, sire."

"Right... a mob called the Alpha Legion is one of ours."

"That is correct, sire."

"So who else is showing up to this barney then?"

"The Blood Drinkers."

"One of ours?"

"One of theirs."

"OK."

"The Iron Warriors."

"One of theirs?"

"No. One of ours."

"Go figure."

"The Dark Angels."

"Now I've heard of them. Followers of Slaanesh aren't they?"

"No, I think you're thinking of The Fallen, sire. The Dark Angels are Loyalists too."

"Bugger. So who else then?"

"The Emperor's Children."

"Oh, that one's too easy. They're obviously loyalists with a name like that."

"Um, not exactly my Lord."

"Really?"

"Yes, Lord. They're one of ours too."

"This is silly. All the really evil sounding names are being used by weakling loyalists while it seems as though the
forces of chaos have got the naff monikers. Are there any more of these I should know about?"

"A few, Lord."

"OK then, spell it out for me, starting with Loyalists that sound like traitors and then moving onto traitors that sound
like Loyalists."

"I will attempt to do so, Lord. OK - the Loyalists that sound like traitors... the Marauders, Rampagers, Destroyers and
Storm Lords (all White Scar second foundings in point of fact)."

"I like the sound of the Storm Lords. You sure they aren't one of ours?"

"Quite sure. Then there's the Blood Drinkers and the Flesh Tearers - both of which are Loyalist second founding of
the Blood Angels."

"With names like that I'd always assumed they were more bone headed followers of the blood god."

"Not so far, My Lord. Then there's the Red Talons..."

"I thought they were renegade pirates."

"No Lord, that's the Red Corsairs."

"Oh. OK. Continue."

"The Brazen Claws are loyalists too."

"Good name for a Khornate force though isn't it?"

"Yes Lord. Then there's the Black Guard (not to be confused with the Black Legion which IS one of ours), the
Revilers, and the Raptors."

"Hold on a minute! The Raptors? They're definitely ours. Hell we've got a small unit of them attached to our forces
haven't we?"

"My Lord, those are the troops known as Raptors but there is also a loyalist legion with the same name."

"Must get a bit confusing for the loyalists then?"

"I imagine so, My Lord. There are also the Doom Eagles, the Silver Skulls, and the Iron Hands (not to be mistaken for
the Iron Warriors, who are ours)."

"Bloody hell. Is that it?"

"There are also some lesser known chapters that also seem to cause occasional confusion."

"Such as..."

"The Doomfarers are one that our forces have occasionally encountered."

"Oh yeah. Those yoyos. So what about the Chaos forces that sound like loyalists then..."

"Well as mentioned earlier there are The Emperor's Children, The Iron Warriors, the Thousand Sons, the Lunar
Wolves (who changed their name to the Sons of Horus and then to the Black Legion)..."

"Well at least they're easily IDed as one of ours now. The Black Legion eh? Now that's a proper name. Just postively
oozes evil from every pore."

"Yes, Lord. To continue, there are also the Word Bearers, and the Alpha Legion."

"The Word Bearers? What kind of silly name is that for a Chaos Legion?"

"They used to be missionarys sire"

"We you'd think that once they switched to our side they'd change their name to something a little more in keeping
with being evil mad men. I mean come on 'The Word Bearers'? It's a silly name."

"Yes my Lord"

"You know, I think the forces of Chaos should have proper Chaos names. There's no room for mistakes when you're
called something like 'The World Eaters' or 'The Death Guard'..."

"Actually Lord, both those chapters had those names when they were loyalists."

"You're kidding."

"No, My Lord."

"Yeesh. I would have thought names like that would be a bit scary for the average imperial citizen. I mean "Yay we're
being rescued by the World Eaters" just doesn't sound credible while "Aargh! Flee! It's the World Eaters" seems
much more likely."

"Yes, My Lord. I believe the latter is more likely these days anyway."

"Makes no bloody sense at all."

"Yes, My Lord."

"Kill 'em all and let the Chaos Gods sort 'em out I say."

"Sounds like a completely reasonable approach to me, My Lord."

et celui ci, qui est en fait celui dont j'avais parlé a pantoufle!


Space Marines

Space Marines are 2/3rds of the human population of the Imperium.

Standard space marine chapters are rare. The combined totals of Blood Angels and Space Wolves out number all other kinds of Marines (almost half of those remaining are Black Templars).

Despite their experimental nature Land Raider Crusaders are twice as common as the standard Land Raider.

If a Land Raider is present in a Space Marine army it may only be present if a Crusader was present already.

100% Strength Marine Squads = 5. Any squads larger then these are statistical aberrations and may be ignored.

Blood Angels

It is morally wrong to equip Vet Sgts with Wargear.

Something bad seems to have happened to the Blood Angels as all of their squads are at half strength (although the special weapon and heavy weapon guys always seem to survive).

The only command ranks in the Blood Angels are Chaplains and Sanguinary High priests. We presume that all other officer ranks have gone off to be Champions of Khorne or some such thing.

Space Wolves

The army is lead by its Wolf Scouts. They’re always there.

It is impossible to buy a SW leader without Chaos Armour (oops the Belt of Russ) Mark of Khorne (oops sorry frost weapon), Mark of Slannesh (opps sorry Wolf Pelt) and WS10 (opps sorry Wolf Tooth necklace).

Eldar

Eldar are lead by their Wraithlords (they are the only thing you always see in their army) and in some extreme cases they would appear to be led by a Wraith Lord Council.

A Swooping Hawks’s sole purpose is as ablative armour for their Exarch. How any Swooping Hawk lives long enough to become an Exarch is a complete mystery.

The maximum size for a ranger squad is 3.

Dire Avengers are a myth, a legend, a complete lie if you will. Eldar will field the Loch Ness monster before they field Dire Avengers.

Star Cannons out number all other support weapons by 2:1. 75% of those remaining are bright lances.

The Eldar pantheon is a source of fun and amusement for all the family. An Avatar of their God of War regularly gets bolter stocked to death by marines of on a bad day by Imperial Guard. Who else would name one of their gods the laughing god:-).

Chaos

There are only two types of Greater Demon (instead of the four more commonly thought to exist). Blood Thirsters are sighted often, Keepers of Secrets less so. The Lord of change is a rumour only and the Great Unclean one is merely a fart joke gone bad (and with T5 is it any wonder).

Chaos aspiring champions cost 5 points more than a loyalist equivalent and are covered in spikes.

Chaos aspiring champions aspire to own a pair of lighting claws.

Worshipping the Dark Gods of chaos isn't worth a bean, the loyalists get a cool 4+ invulnerable save but the Dark Gods couldn't protect lollies from a 5 year old child.

Greater Daemons of chaos will almost always possess the worst possible model, either they will possess the commander (who costs nearly as much as the Daemon) or they will possess the aspiring champion who is out of assault range.

A well balanced chaos army is one that contains units from all of the chaos powers after all they all have their good points.

Orks

The only Orks allowed Rokkit Launchas are Tankbusta boyz. Any boyz squad sighted with RLs are in fact over sized busta squads.

There is no such thing as Uge Choppas. Orks with use Rubber Chickens as Close combat weapons before they resort to Uge choppas (and have).

50% of looted vehicles are basilisks with the balance being Leman Russ tanks. Never do Orks manage to loot a Griffon (maybe because the imperial guard can't get any either).

Deathskull lootas kill themselves before getting to the battlefield and have failed to reproduce and so have become extinct.

Blood Axe commandos are so sneaky they are never seen on the battlefield.

Dark Eldar

Dark Eldar are expert cross-country runners. They have to be because win or lose they will be walking home. Their transports seem to be jet engines encased in a superstructure of tin foil and brightly painted cardboard.

Dark Eldar Archons are expressly forbidden from showing up to a battle without a shadow field.

Tau

Despite information to the contrary Tau DO use Kroot as an expendable shield (for the Greater Good my warty posterior).

Imperial Guard

Infantry Platoons consist of 2 squads and an HQ rather then 2-5 squads.

Every Guard army is amply supplied with Basilisks but cannot obtain Griffins for Love nor money (although this could be GWs fault) Smile.

Imperial guard regiments suffer 80% casualties every engagement anything less and they just were not trying hard enough.

Most imperial guard regiments have a attached Assassin which will either be an Eversor or a Callidus. The imperial guardsmen will not at all be concerned about having a psychotic killing machine standing in their midst (nor the Eversor assassin either) Other assassin temples are too sneaky to be seen on the battlefield or are anti-Imperial propaganda and don't really exist.

Tyranids

There MUST be two Hive Tyrants in every force (they just do OK?).

One or both of the Tyrants must have wings.

Biovores are a compulsory choice. No Tyranid army has been seen without them.

The Red Terror may be a special character but I have never seen a Nid force without one (even if it is a Blue Terror, a Brown Terror, a Pink Terror, and a black and white checks Terror).

Ditto for old one eye. In Nids versus Nids games I have seen them charge each other (no doubt yelling the Nid equivalent of ‘Imposter!’.

Chaos and Imperial

While power swords are stylish and look cool a pair of lightning claws is so much more effective. Lightning claws are also the most common weapon and are almost a badge of rank for senior officers.

General

The arrival of a new race into the 40k universe is always greeted with gasps of shock and horror. Not because the new army is an ancient an implacable alien menace but because no one understand their new an unique special rules.

Tu me l'avais déjà dit, mais je ne me remet pas du "les spaces marines composent les 2/3 de la population de l'imperium"!


J'aime beaucoup l'idée de la Terreur Rose. A ne jouer qu'en corps à corps!

moi j'aime assez le "conceil des seigneur fantômes"

et nurglichou qui est en fait une blague de pet qu'as mal tourné!